Questions on Marriage & Divorce
(Gen 2: 18-24; Ps 128: 1-6; Heb 2: 9-11; Mark 10: 2-16)
Fr Nelson Lobo OFM Cap
Introduction-today’s gospel discusses marriage & divorce.Knofel Staton, in his book ’Check Your Morality’, lists several false ideas about marriage that young people often pick up while growing up (pp. 102–103). Here are several of them: Marriage will solve all my problems: If I get married, I will never be lonely again, by marriage I can escape my parents, marriage is like an eternal date, I will change him/her after we are married, in marriage, our differences won’t cause trouble, marriage is a trap or prison, marriage takes all the fun out of life, marriage is simply a legal piece of paper. Tony Campolo, in his excellent book, “20 Hot Potatoes Christians are Afraid to Touch,” has this to say: I personally believe that most married couples inevitably come to a time when they wonder why they ever got married in the first place and think that it would be a relief to be “free” again. There comes that morning when the guy wakes up and looks across the bed to see his wife still asleep, her hair hanging down over her face and her mouth half open, and he asks, “How did I get into this?” Or perhaps she wakes up first to see her unshaven husband with no hair hanging down over his face, and she asks, “Is this what I’m stuck with for the rest of my life?” (p. 196)
Why God hates divorce? (Malachi 2:10; 13-16) ask someone who has been through one and they will tell you. Ask the woman who is left alone with children and a house payment. Ask the man who cherished his wife, but she has decided that she’d rather be in the arms of some low-life in a bar than in his. Ask the children who have lived through tears, uncertainty, and feelings of being personally rejected when mommy or daddy leaves the family. Ask the grandparents who suffered. Ask them all why God hates divorce and they will tell you why. God hates divorce and it’s no wonder why. Anyone in their right mind hates what divorce does to people! A husband or wife is supposed to be the person who is the refuge against the storms of life. They are to comfort each other, help themselves cope with all the garbage that life just naturally throws at them. When that relationship is part of what’s wrong with one’s life, it can be overwhelming. And that is precisely why we must remember that God does indeed hate divorce, but He does not hate divorced people.
Why God forbids divorce?
God forbids divorce because it is a violation of a covenant, married couples made with him. When they were married it was in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. They took an oath before God in the church to stay married till death. An inviolable contract with God was made. When we breach contract with God, we also suffer punishment. God forbids divorce because of its terrible effects on families. The Nicholas Zill study. In 1993, social scientist Nicholas Zill reported that children of divorced parents are, regardless of their economic circumstances, more likely to have poor relationships with their parents, drop out of high school and receive psychological help. Author Maggie Gallagher summed this problem up well in her book The Abolition of Marriage. She writes “The evidence is now overwhelming that the collapse of marriage is creating a whole generation of children less happy, less physically and mentally healthy, less equipped to deal with life or produce at work, and more dangerous to themselves and others.” Divorce is a painful thing for an adult to endure. It causes incredible hurt. It is more painful for children who have no choice. God forbids divorce because it ruins a child’s emotional makeup. Divorce hurts children.
What happens when a marriage fails? It is a tragedy. It is a failure; there is some sin involved. Divorce doesn’t make children happy. Adults experience great pain in divorce too. Though it is seldom the fault of only one party, one spouse usually ends up feeling abandoned and rejected and bears those scars for years. Sometimes the spouse who initiated the breakup also has regrets as a new marriage doesn’t turn out as well as expected, and the children blame him or her for destroying the family. Another place where divorce causes great harm is in the church. When a marriage breaks up, there can be conflict in a church as people inevitably side with one partner or the other. There is controversy within churches on how to deal with people who are divorced. People who have gone through a divorce sometimes choose not to attend church because they are afraid of how they will be treated. Many churches and individual Christians have a hard time knowing how to respond to divorce.
What was the traditional teachings of the Jewish law during Jesus’ time?
In talking about divorce, Jesus was taking on a very hotly debated issue. At that very time a controversy concerning acceptable grounds for divorce existed between two rival Rabbi-training schools. Rabbi Shammai took the conservative line. He founded his teaching on Deuteronomy 24:1, where Moses allowed for divorce, but Shammai believed the only acceptable reason for getting one was what the Scripture said – some grave marital offense – or an act of absolute indecency – such as adultery. Rabbi Hillel, on the other hand, adopted a much more lax position. And by the way, his was the most widely accepted point of view. He believed the statement of Moses applied to a man “who desires to be divorced from his wife for any cause whatsoever.” We’re talking super liberal here. For example, a man could divorce his wife: If she spoiled his dinner by adding too much salt, If she were seen in public with her head uncovered, If she talked with other men on the street, If she spoke disrespectfully to her husbands parents, If she became plain-looking compared with another woman who seemed more beautiful in her husband’s opinion.
Unbelievable! These are all examples of reasons for divorce that were acceptable in Jesus day. We may laugh, but how different is this from today? Don’t people still divorce for just about any and every reason imaginable? Modern examples: we don’t have enough money. I don’t feel like I’m getting all the emotional support I need. He’s not helping with the kids enough. She’s not building me up like I want to be built up. He’s added a hundred pounds. She’s not attractive as she once was. He wants to go to too many games. She spends too much money. I want to move to a bigger house, he doesn’t. I want more kids, she doesn’t. He doesn’t get along well with my side of the family. She spends too much time on the phone. The house is never clean. I don’t love him like I use to or I don’t love her anymore. Marriage is harder than I thought it would be. I want to be free again. I think I might be in love with somebody else. These things do not qualify as reasons for a divorce. These things are called life. These are the very things that Scriptures promised us among the troubles we would have simply if we choose to get married.
Why did Jesus condem this belief in Matthew?
Jesus said that Moses didn’t imply a man could divorce for no reason. He says that marriage is an inviolable contract that cannot be broken. A man was generally thought to be righteous or good in the matter of divorce if he gave his wife a written statement of divorce. She, at least, then could prove she was unmarried. This allowed her to defend herself against adultery if found with a man, seek marriage to another, or make her living as a prostitute. People in Jesus day saw this issue of giving divorce papers as a command. That’s what they focused on. But Jesus saw the whole issue of divorce as a regrettable concession.
How married couples can avoid divorce?
When Jesus spoke about divorce in Matthew, He gave us a way of avoiding divorce: become one flesh. Jesus reminds us that marriage is intended to make two people into one. One flesh means a total dedication of one to another. It means that person becomes a part of you in every way. You are joined together mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically. We become one person with the same goals, priorities and interests.
What is marriage actually?
Marriage is about building something together. It is about making a family. It is about raising Godly children. It is about contributing to the good of the Christian community. It is about contributing to the growth of God’s kingdom. So, Happiness is something that comes as a result of what we build together over time. It is not the thrill seeking through materialism and sex that our culture portrays in relationships today.
So, is it better to remain single? Upon hearing Jesus talk about how divorce as commonly practiced was unacceptable, in Matthew 19:10 –His disciples say, “If that’s how things are, it’s better not to get married at all!” In other words, “Man, no one wants to be that trapped in a relationship. What if things don’t work out?” You’ve taken divorce so lightly that you’ve missed how beautiful God wants your marriage to be!” What you and I have to do is take our marriage vows more seriously. Become people of our word. If we promised, “Til death do us part,” then a promise is a promise.
What about the possibility of divorce and remarriage?
Possible three situations. 1. When a mate is guilty of sexual immorality and is unwilling to repent and live faithfully with a marriage partner (Mt 5:32 and 19:9). 2. When marriage and divorce occur before (2 Cor 5:17 – new creation). 3. When the mate is an unbeliever and willingly and permanently deserts the believing partner (1 Cor 7:12ff). But sometimes reconciliation doesn’t come, does it? And divorces happen. Even when one party doesn’t really want the divorce. And in every divorce, regardless of the circumstances there is generally more than enough guilt.
Conclusion- Jesus wants couples to see the real meaning of marriage. God wants couples to stay together, to build together, to give to each other. He wants them to become one flesh; sharing everything, accomplishing things together. We have to remember that divorce is a regrettable concession. It is an option, but it doesn’t have to be exercised. Our laws allow us to sue people and take them to court, yet most of us make through life without going that route. Just because we can doesn’t mean we need to.